When an affair is discovered, there are usually plenty of emotions on both sides. For the spouse who has been betrayed, there may be shock, anger, fear, grief, confusion, and a desperate need to understand what has happened. For the spouse who has been unfaithful, there may also be an overwhelming flood of emotion: guilt, shame, fear, sadness, embarrassment, and panic over what might be lost.
In those early days, it can be difficult to know what any of those emotions mean. We often hear a wounded spouse ask some version of this question: How do I know if my spouse is truly sorry?
It is an important question because being upset about an affair is not necessarily the same thing as being remorseful. And remorse, while incredibly important, is not quite the same thing as repentance.
The Bible gives us a helpful way to understand the difference.
Not All Sorrow Is the Same
In 2 Corinthians 7, the apostle Paul writes about something he calls godly grief.
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, but worldly grief produces death.
2 Corinthians 7:10
At first glance, grief may simply look like grief. There may be tears, sleepless nights, fear, anguish, and statements like, “I can’t believe I did this.” But Paul tells us that not all sorrow is the same.
There is a kind of sorrow that remains primarily focused on ourselves: What is going to happen to me? Will my spouse leave? What will our children think? Who else is going to find out? Will I ever be forgiven? When will things feel normal again?
Those feelings are understandable. The consequences of betrayal are frightening. But it is possible to deeply regret what has happened without yet deeply grieving the sin itself or the pain it has caused another person.
That is why the next verse in 2 Corinthians is so important. Paul doesn’t simply tell us that the Corinthians experienced godly grief. He tells us to look at what their grief produced.
For consider how much diligence this very thing—this grieving as God wills—has produced in you: what a desire to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what deep longing, what zeal, what justice!
2 Corinthians 7:11
The evidence of godly sorrow isn’t simply how badly someone feels. It is what that sorrow begins to produce.
That distinction matters enormously after an affair.
THE EVIDENCE OF GODLY SORROW ISN’T SIMPLY HOW BADLY SOMEONE FEELS. IT IS WHAT THAT SORROW BEGINS TO PRODUCE.
Remorse Is More Than Regret
Regret and remorse can look similar at first. A spouse may genuinely regret the affair. They may wish desperately that they could go backward and make a different choice. They may hate what has happened to their family, their marriage, their reputation, or the life they had before everything came crashing down.
But regret can still be largely focused on consequences. Remorse begins to turn outward.
Regret says, “I hate what this has cost me.” Remorse begins to say, “I grieve what my choices have done to you.”
We know this distinction not only from walking with other couples, but from our own story.
After Steve’s affair was revealed, I saw genuine remorse in him very early. He was deeply grieved by the pain his choices had caused me. It wasn’t simply that he was afraid of losing our marriage or regretted that the affair had been exposed. He was beginning to see what his choices had done to me, and that realization broke his heart.
And then that remorse began to lead somewhere.
At the time, Steve didn’t know the God I was clinging to in the devastation of what had happened. But as he watched me turn to God, his own sorrow began drawing him toward the same God. What began as remorse over the pain he had caused eventually led to repentance: a complete turning away from his affair partner and that sin and a turning toward God and toward me.
Looking back, we can see in our own story what Paul describes in 2 Corinthians 7. Godly grief produces something. Steve’s remorse wasn’t the end of the story. God used it to lead him toward repentance and an entirely different direction for his life.
That doesn’t mean every person’s story will unfold exactly as ours did, or on the same timeline. But it does help us understand the important difference between regret and remorse. A remorseful spouse may certainly fear losing the marriage and feel ashamed of what they have done, but their attention increasingly shifts away from simply wanting their own pain to end toward wanting to understand the pain their spouse is experiencing.
Godly grief doesn’t leave us circling around ourselves. It begins moving us toward God, toward the person we have harmed, and ultimately toward change.
REGRET SAYS, “I HATE WHAT THIS HAS COST ME.” REMORSE BEGINS TO SAY, “I GRIEVE WHAT MY CHOICES HAVE DONE TO YOU.”
Remorse Sees Sin Clearly
One of the clearest signs of growing remorse is the willingness to call what happened what it was. There is less minimizing, explaining away, carefully qualifying, or constructing a story around everything that was wrong with the marriage beforehand.
There may have been very real problems in the marriage before the affair. We often tell couples that those problems matter and that eventually they will need to understand them and work through them together. But problems in a marriage do not cause an affair. Steve and I had problems in our marriage before his affair. But it is not my fault he had an affair. He chose the absolute wrong solution to those problems.
An affair involves choices, and before a couple can meaningfully rebuild, the spouse who made those choices has to be willing to own them.
David gives us a powerful picture of this after Nathan confronts him about his sin with Bathsheba.
I have sinned against the LORD.
2 Samuel 12:13
There is no but at the end of the sentence. Psalm 51 gives us an even deeper look into David’s heart:
For I am conscious of my rebellion,
and my sin is always before me.
Against you—you alone—I have sinned
and done this evil in your sight.
Psalm 51:3–4
David sees his sin differently now. He isn’t defending it or managing how it looks. He is bringing it fully into the light before God.
We cannot deeply grieve something we are still trying to explain away.
This doesn’t mean there will never be a time to understand what was happening personally or relationally when the affair began. Understanding those things can be an important part of preventing another betrayal. But understanding why something happened is different from excusing that it happened.
A remorseful spouse can eventually look back and ask, How did I get here? What was going on in me? Where did I compromise? What needs to change? without using any of those answers to lessen responsibility for the choices that were made.
There is freedom in simply owning what is ours to own. No but you… No if only… No you have to understand…
Just the growing ability to say, I did this. It was wrong. I sinned against God, and I deeply hurt the person I promised to love.
That kind of ownership can be painful. But it is also where we begin to see the difference Paul is describing. Godly grief isn’t trying to find a way around the sin. It is willing to see it clearly so that, by God’s grace, we can turn from it.
WE CANNOT DEEPLY GRIEVE SOMETHING WE ARE STILL TRYING TO EXPLAIN AWAY.
Remorse Should Lead Somewhere
Remorse matters deeply, but remorse isn’t the final destination. Paul tells us that godly grief produces repentance.
Repentance means turning. There is a change in direction. In our story, that became very tangible: Steve turned away from the affair relationship and toward God and our marriage. That turning did not instantly repair everything that had been broken, but it changed the direction we were heading.
That is why we don’t want couples to measure repentance simply by tears, apologies, promises, or emotional conversations. Those things may be sincere and meaningful, but over time godly grief should begin producing something we can see: more honesty, greater transparency, humility, accountability, patience when trust doesn’t return quickly, changed boundaries, and changed choices.
John the Baptist described this simply as producing fruit consistent with repentance (Matthew 3:8).
We sometimes tell couples that you don’t have to perfectly understand someone’s heart in order to begin noticing the fruit growing from it. This is especially important for the wounded spouse who desperately wants to know, Can I trust this repentance?
You may not be able to answer that question all at once. Trust is rebuilt over time. But you can begin watching what the sorrow produces.
Remorse Is Willing to Stay in the Pain
This may be one of the hardest parts of genuine remorse. When you are the spouse who caused the wound, witnessing your spouse’s pain can be excruciating. You may desperately want to fix it, explain something that you think will make it hurt less, remind your spouse of all the progress you’ve made, or simply stop talking about it because every conversation brings you face-to-face with something you deeply regret.
But remorse learns to stay.
We don’t mean staying forever in the same conversation, having no healthy boundaries, or allowing one spouse to continually punish the other. We mean developing a willingness to remain emotionally present with the reality of the pain you caused rather than continually trying to escape it.
We see this with couples often. At first, a wayward spouse may listen because they know they are supposed to. They answer the questions. They sit through the tears. They try not to become defensive. But over time, something deeper can begin happening.
They become curious. They begin asking questions of their own: What was that like for you? What happens inside you when you’re triggered? Is there something about this that I still don’t understand?
The motivation has changed. They are no longer merely tolerating their spouse’s pain. They are seeking to understand it.
That is remorse growing into empathy. And for a wounded spouse, that can make an enormous difference.
When Remorse Isn't There
We wish we could say that we see this kind of remorse in every wayward spouse we walk with. We don’t.
Sometimes a wounded spouse is reading descriptions of remorse like these and thinking, This isn’t what I’m experiencing at all. Instead of compassion, they are met with irritation. Their questions are tolerated for a while and then shut down. Their tears seem to annoy their spouse. They hear things like, I’ve apologized. What else do you want from me? How long are we going to keep talking about this? When are you going to get over it?
And sometimes there seems to be more frustration over the consequences of the affair than sorrow over the pain the affair caused.
We don’t say this lightly, but after walking with couples through infidelity, genuine remorse is one of the things we pay close attention to. We have seen it present again and again in couples who are able to begin healing and rebuilding. And one of the significant red flags we have seen in couples who ultimately do not reconcile is the continued absence of genuine remorse from the wayward spouse.
Remorse doesn’t guarantee that a marriage will heal. There are many pieces involved in rebuilding after betrayal. But it is very difficult to see how deep relational healing can take place when the person who caused the wound remains annoyed by the wound.
If you are the wayward spouse and you recognize yourself here, we don’t say that to shame you. We would encourage you to be honest about it. Maybe you don’t feel what you think you are supposed to feel. Maybe your spouse’s pain frustrates you. Maybe part of you simply wants life to return to normal. Or maybe you are still stuck between two worlds.
Rather than pretending to feel remorse you don’t feel, bring that honestly before God. Ask Him to show you what you aren’t seeing yet. Ask Him to help you understand the weight of your choices, the pain they have caused your spouse, and the ways you may still be protecting yourself.
Search me, God, and know my heart;
test me and know my concerns.
See if there is any offensive way in me;
lead me in the everlasting way.
Psalm 139:23–24
God can soften a heart. Remorse can deepen as we begin to see more clearly. The absence of remorse today does not mean God cannot produce godly grief tomorrow.
But if you are the wounded spouse, there is something important for you to hear too: you cannot create remorse in your spouse. You cannot explain your pain perfectly enough, cry hard enough, find the right words, or ask the right questions to make another person truly understand what they have done.
And you don’t need to pretend repentance is present when you aren’t yet seeing its fruit.
You can pray for your spouse. You can remain hopeful about what God may do. You can seek wise counsel and establish appropriate boundaries. But you can also be honest about what you are seeing right now.
There is also an important difference between a pattern of lacking remorse and moments of defensiveness in an otherwise remorseful spouse. Affair recovery is difficult. Shame is powerful. Conversations can become emotionally overwhelming. Even someone who genuinely loves God, loves their spouse, and deeply regrets their choices may occasionally become frustrated or defensive.
So don’t measure an entire heart by one difficult conversation. Look at the direction.
When defensiveness surfaces, does your spouse eventually recognize it? Can they come back and say, I was protecting myself instead of listening to you. I’m sorry. Tell me again? Is there a growing desire to understand your pain, even when doing so is uncomfortable?
Or does irritation, blame, minimizing, or pressure to “move on” continue to be the pattern?
Paul’s words bring us back once again to the question that has been running through all of this:
What is this sorrow producing?
THE ABSENCE OF REMORSE TODAY DOES NOT MEAN GOD CANNOT PRODUCE GODLY GRIEF TOMORROW.
What True Remorse Begins to Look Like
There isn’t a perfect checklist that can tell you what is happening inside another person’s heart. But over time, godly grief leaves evidence.
Ownership begins replacing explanation. Curiosity begins replacing defensiveness. Patience begins replacing pressure. Transparency begins replacing secrecy. Empathy begins replacing self-protection. Changed behavior begins replacing promises.
This is also why remorse cannot be manufactured simply to save a marriage. Ultimately, biblical remorse begins with seeing our wrongs rightly before God.
David’s prayer after his own devastating sin wasn’t simply, God, please fix everything I’ve broken.
God, create a clean heart for me and renew a steadfast spirit within me.
Psalm 51:10
That is the hope we want to offer couples walking through betrayal. The wounded spouse does not have to pretend trust has been restored before there is evidence that supports it. And the wayward spouse does not have to live forever buried beneath shame for what they have done.
Paul gives us another way to understand what can happen with our sorrow. He calls it godly grief. It is a sorrow that sees sin clearly, grieves the harm it has caused, and draws us toward God rather than deeper into ourselves.
And, wonderfully, it is a sorrow that produces something. It produces repentance. It produces change. And over time, that fruit can become part of rebuilding what betrayal has broken.
For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret.
2 Corinthians 7:10
IT IS A SORROW THAT PRODUCES SOMETHING. IT PRODUCES REPENTANCE. IT PRODUCES CHANGE. AND OVER TIME, THAT FRUIT CAN BECOME PART OF REBUILDING WHAT BETRAYAL HAS BROKEN.
Unless otherwise noted, Scripture references are from the
Christian Standard Bible (CSB).
