Should I Stay or Should I Go?

When the Future of Your Marriage Feels Uncertain

“Should I stay or should I go?”

Over the years, we have sat across from many husbands and wives asking that question. Some whispered it through tears. Others asked it with anger. Some assumed they should leave and simply wanted someone to affirm their decision. Others desperately wanted to stay but could not imagine how they could survive the pain they were carrying.

What we have learned is that most people are not actually asking whether they should stay or go.

They are asking:

How do I make this pain stop?

And if we’re honest, we understand that question.

Years ago, after Steve’s affair came to light, we asked our own versions of it. We know what it feels like when betrayal shakes the foundation beneath your feet. We know what it feels like to question everything you thought you knew about your marriage, your spouse, and your future.

We also know something else.

What felt like the beginning of the end became, by God’s grace, the catalyst for profound change.

Had the affair never happened, we would not have been forced to confront the unhealthy patterns, misplaced priorities, and spiritual brokenness that existed beneath the surface. We would not have discovered the depth of God’s grace in the way that we did. We would not have the trust-filled, loving marriage we enjoy today.

We are not suggesting that affairs are good. They are not. Sin always brings destruction.

But we have learned that God is remarkably good at bringing redemption out of what appears hopeless.

That is why we cannot answer the question, “Should I stay or should I go?” for you.

But we can help you think about it.

Most Couples Think This Is the Beginning of the End

When a marriage is rocked by infidelity, it is natural to assume the worst. Many couples come to us convinced that what has happened is simply too much to overcome.

Some have already begun mentally preparing for divorce. Others cannot imagine ever trusting again. Many are exhausted from carrying secrets, disappointments, and hurts that have accumulated over years.

We understand why.

For a season, we believed our marriage might be over too.

Yet one of the most surprising lessons we have learned through our own story and through walking with hundreds of couples is this:

The crisis itself does not always determine the future of the marriage.

Sometimes the crisis becomes the catalyst for truth. Hidden things are exposed. Long-ignored problems can no longer be ignored. Patterns that have quietly damaged the relationship finally come into the light.

Again, we are not calling the crisis good. We would never recommend the painful path that brought us here.

But we have watched God use even devastating circumstances to awaken people to their need for Him, their need for repentance, and their need for change.

In our own story, Steve’s affair was not only the beginning of marital healing. It was the beginning of his relationship with Christ. The exposure of sin became part of the story God used to draw him to Himself.

Looking back, we can see God’s hand in places where we could not see it at the time.

You may not be able to see it right now either.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts, and your ways are not my ways.” This is the Lord’s declaration. “For as heaven is higher than earth, so my ways are higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
Isaiah 55:8-9

What Happens Next Matters More Than Many People Realize

One of the questions we get asked most often is some version of this:

“Isn’t an affair a dealbreaker?”

Sometimes it’s an affair. Sometimes it’s years of lying. Sometimes it’s another betrayal that has left trust in pieces.

Those situations are serious, and we never want to minimize the pain they cause.

But one thing we’ve observed over and over again is that the crisis itself doesn’t always tell us where the marriage is headed.

What often matters just as much is how each spouse responds once the truth is out in the open.

Is there genuine remorse, or just regret about getting caught?
Is there honesty, even when it’s uncomfortable?
Is there a willingness to accept responsibility and do the hard work of change?

Those are the kinds of things that tend to reveal whether healing is possible.

This is one reason we are careful not to answer the “stay or go” question too quickly.

We have worked with a small handful of couples who ultimately divorced after long seasons of prayer, counsel, discernment, and repeated evidence that one spouse was unwilling to pursue meaningful change. Those situations were heartbreaking.

But they have been the exception.

Far more often, we have watched couples who initially believed their marriage was beyond saving begin the difficult work of rebuilding. We have seen trust restored. We have seen genuine repentance emerge. We have watched husbands and wives learn entirely new ways of relating to one another.

Not quickly.

Not easily.

But genuinely.

The question is often less about what happened and more about what is happening now.

Therefore produce fruit consistent with repentance.
Luke 3:8

One of the Harder Lessons I Learned

When we share our story, people sometimes assume that healing happened because we immediately did everything right.

Nothing could be further from the truth.

One of the things I speak openly about is that anger became a significant struggle for me. The betrayal was real. The hurt was real. The loss was real. But there were times when anger began influencing decisions, responses, and attitudes in ways that slowed healing rather than helped it.

The emotions were understandable. They just weren’t always trustworthy.

One of the dangers of deep pain is that it can convince us that whatever we feel in the moment must be true.

Our feelings are real, but they are not always reliable guides.

There were moments when both of us had to learn the difference between following our emotions and following God’s direction.

That lesson remains true today.

Many people asking whether they should stay or go are carrying overwhelming emotions. Those emotions deserve attention. They deserve compassion. They deserve to be processed honestly before God.

But major life decisions are rarely made wisely when emotions are in the driver’s seat. Rushing into decision-making in a heightened emotional state can only exasperate the situation. Trusting God and taking the time to be silent long enough to hear His voice is vital in making such a life-changing decision of staying or going.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not rely on your own understanding; in all your ways know him, and he will make your paths straight.
Proverbs 3:5-6

The Question We Often Ask Couples

Sometimes a spouse will look at us and say, “Just tell me what to do.”

We understand that desire. When you’re exhausted, hurt, and overwhelmed by uncertainty, having someone else make the decision for you can sound incredibly appealing. The weight of wondering whether to stay or go can feel crushing, especially when every option seems painful.

But one of the first questions we often ask is this: Have you done everything God has asked you to do to save your marriage?

We don’t ask that question to create guilt or pressure. We ask it because it helps bring clarity. In seasons of marital crisis, it’s easy to become consumed by what our spouse is doing, not doing, saying, or refusing to say. Our attention naturally gravitates toward their choices, their failures, and their responsibilities. Yet discernment often begins when we shift the focus and ask a different question: What is God asking of me right now?

Romans 12:18 gives us a helpful framework: “If possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.” We love the balance in that verse because it acknowledges two realities at the same time. There are things that depend on you, and there are things that do not.

You cannot force repentance in another person. You cannot manufacture honesty. You cannot guarantee that your spouse will change, seek help, or respond to your efforts. As painful as it is, you cannot control another person’s choices.

What you can do is pursue obedience to God. You can choose truth over deception, forgiveness over bitterness, and faithfulness over retaliation. You can seek wise counsel, establish healthy boundaries when needed, and respond in ways that honor Christ regardless of how your spouse responds.

That doesn’t automatically answer the question of whether you should stay or go. But it does provide a starting point. Discernment becomes much clearer when we stop asking only, “What is my spouse doing?” and begin asking, “Am I being faithful to what God is asking of me?” That is often where wisdom begins to emerge.

Mankind, he has told each of you what is good and what it is the Lord requires of you: to act justly, to love faithfulness, and to walk humbly with your God.
Micah 6:8

God Often Provides Wisdom Through Other People

One of the biggest mistakes we see couples make is trying to navigate this decision alone. Pain has a way of narrowing our vision.

When we’re hurting, it’s easy to become consumed by fear, anger, or the desire for immediate relief. In those moments, we often lose sight of the bigger picture and struggle to see our circumstances clearly.

This is one reason Scripture repeatedly points us toward wise counsel.

God often chooses to guide His people through other faithful believers.

Of course, not every voice deserves equal influence in your life. Some people will encourage you to leave immediately, while others may pressure you to stay regardless of what is happening in your marriage. Neither response is necessarily rooted in wisdom. Instead, seek out people who love God more than they love being agreed with. Look for trusted believers who will tell you the truth, even when it is difficult to hear, and who can help you distinguish between panic and wisdom.

Over the years, we have seen God provide direction through pastors, counselors, mentors, and faithful friends who were willing to walk alongside hurting couples. While no human being can make this decision for you, God often uses His people to help bring clarity when the path ahead feels uncertain.

Without guidance, a people will fall, but with many counselors there is deliverance.
Proverbs 11:14

What We Would Tell Ourselves Today

If we could sit across from the broken versions of ourselves all those years ago, we would not tell ourselves that healing would be easy, that trust would return overnight, or that the road ahead would be short. Those things simply were not true. The journey required time, humility, repentance, forgiveness, and a great deal of dependence on God.

But there is something we would say with complete confidence: our God is far bigger than betrayal, failure, and brokenness. What happened to us was devastating, but it did not get the final word. God did.

One of the assumptions we both carried early on was that this experience would define us forever. We thought our deepest wounds and greatest failures would become the primary lens through which we viewed ourselves and our future. Looking back, we can see how wrong we were.

Our identity is not found in our deepest wound. It is not found in our greatest failure. Our identity is found in Christ.

Even now, we spend much of our lives talking about one of the darkest chapters of our story. Yet that chapter is not the foundation of our lives. Christ is. The affair is part of our testimony, but it is not our identity. God’s grace, redemption, and faithfulness are what define us.

The same can be true for you. Whether your marriage is ultimately restored or not, your future is not determined by this moment alone. Christ remains faithful, and His purposes for your life are not limited by the pain you are experiencing today.

If you are facing the painful question of whether to stay or go, know that God is not distant from your struggle. He sees what is happening. He knows the details that no one else understands. He cares deeply about you and about the decisions you are facing.

You may not be able to see the entire path ahead right now, but you do not have to. God is able to guide you one faithful step at a time, providing the wisdom, strength, and direction you need as you continue to seek Him.