When a couple you love is facing infidelity, your heart aches for them. Maybe you want to help, but you have no idea how. You see the pain in their eyes, the shock in their voices, the despair in their bodies. And if you’re like most friends, you wonder: What can I say? What can I do that won’t make things worse?
We’ve experienced both sides of this story. We know what it feels like when betrayal shakes everything familiar. And we’ve also seen how the right kind of friendship can make all the difference. In our ministry, Side By Side, and in our own marriage journey, we’ve seen friends make grievous errors in trying to help their friends. But, we’ve also watched God use faithful friends to bring comfort, courage, and clarity to couples walking through the fire.
This isn’t an easy road. But as a friend, you have an opportunity to reflect Christ’s heart in one of the most tender and broken seasons of someone’s life.
1. Offer Your Presence
The first gift you can give your hurting friends is your presence. You don’t need to have the right words—just a willing heart. In fact, resist the temptation to use words at all. Your actions matter most right now.
Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.
Galatians 6:2
Galatians 6:2 tells us to “bear one another’s burdens,” and sometimes that simply means sitting quietly in the ashes beside them. When Job’s friends first arrived, they didn’t preach, analyze, or fix…they just wept with him. (Job 2:11–13) That was their most compassionate moment.
When a spouse is betrayed, their world becomes chaotic. Nothing feels safe. Your consistent, gentle presence helps reintroduce safety. Show up. Listen. Let them cry. Pray with them if they’re ready. Text a simple message like, “You’re not alone. I’m here.” And then keep showing up, even when the weeks turn into months.
When betrayal first surfaces, normal human functioning can feel impossible. Simple tasks—getting the kids to school, making dinner, keeping the house afloat—can suddenly feel overwhelming. One of the most Christlike ways you can show love is through tangible help. Offer to bring a meal, cover school pickups, fold a load of laundry, or mow the lawn. Don’t say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Instead, offer something specific: “Can I bring dinner on Thursday?” or “Would it help if I took the kids to practice this week?”
When a friend steps in with hands-on care, it communicates: You don’t have to hold everything together right now—we’ll help carry it with you. That’s Galatians 6:2 lived out in real life.
In our ministry, we’ve seen how simple acts of service create breathing room for couples to focus on what matters most: beginning to heal.
2. Listen Without Needing Details
Curiosity is natural. But in this kind of pain, details can wound more than they help.
Your friends may not want, or be able, to tell the full story. Don’t push. Don’t ask for names, timelines, or explanations. Respect their privacy and their process. Instead, invite their heart:
- “What’s been hardest for you this week?”
- “How can I pray for you today?”
- “What is your greatest need right now?”
Listening without demanding information builds trust. It reminds them they’re safe with you. They are not a project to be analyzed, but a person to be loved.
Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
Galatians 6:1
This verse is a quiet reminder that even as we walk beside those who are hurting, we must do so with humility and self-awareness. Guard your own heart against the impulse to fix. Be aware of any curiosity disguised as concern. Approach your friends’ pain prayerfully, asking God to help you love them without inserting yourself into their story. Gentle restoration often begins with gentle restraint.
3. Guard Their Story and Their Dignity
Infidelity stirs strong opinions, and it’s easy to speak out of emotion rather than wisdom. But friends who take sides or vent frustration publicly can do deep damage.
Whoever covers an offense seeks love, but he who repeats a matter separates close friends.
Proverbs 17:9
Be careful with your words. Avoid gossip or sharing “updates” with others. Protect their dignity even when you don’t agree with their choices.
If you speak about the situation to your spouse or a prayer partner, keep it limited and focused on interceding for healing, not on storytelling. Ask your hurting friends who they are sharing their story with, and respect the boundary line they have placed. Remember: when you guard someone’s privacy, you mirror God’s gentle covering over their shame.
Guarding your words also means knowing when to be silent. Sometimes the most powerful ministry is simply saying, “I’m so sorry. I’m here.” The wounded spouse and the wayward spouse both carry deep pain, and careless speech can reopen wounds that are beginning to close. When in doubt, pause, pray, and let the Spirit lead your response before you speak.
4. Encourage Hope and Help, Not Pressure or Platitudes
There’s a fine line between encouragement and pressure. Phrases like “You just need to forgive” or “Everything happens for a reason” might come from good intentions—but they can land as minimizing or dismissive.
Instead, speak hope rooted in God’s character:
- “God is near to the brokenhearted.” (Psalm 34:18)
- “He’s not finished writing your story.”
- “You don’t have to have answers right now. God can carry you while you heal.”
Guarding your words also means resisting the urge to place a “Bible verse bandaid” on a deep wound. Quoting Scripture isn’t wrong; it’s life-giving when offered at the right time and in the right spirit. But verses can become weapons when used to rush healing or avoid sitting in someone’s pain.
Instead of saying, “All things work together for good,” when their heart is still shattered, try, “I know this hurts deeply. I’m praying that one day you’ll see God’s goodness again—but right now, I’m here with you.”
A couple we served several years ago were deeply affected when a friend said to them in a moment of despair, “Well, you just need to ‘consider it pure joy when you face trials of any kind,’” quoting a verse from the book of James. The Word of God is true and good, but some well-meaning Christians can have really lousy timing. Be careful with what words you use, and when you use them.
Truth without timing can feel like pressure or judgement, but truth spoken in love and patience can bring peace.
5. Respect Their Pace
Healing after betrayal isn’t linear. Some days they’ll seem strong; other days they’ll feel like they’re back at the beginning of a nightmare.
Your role is to walk beside them at their pace, not yours. Avoid phrases like, “Aren’t you over this yet?” or “You should be moving on.” Instead, remind them that grief and rebuilding take time—and that God’s timeline is often slower, but surer, than ours.
Biblical patience is often translated to ‘longsuffering.’ Be willing to ‘suffer long’ with your friends. Stay steady, even when they circle the same emotions again and again.
Consider this reality: Most marriage and counseling experts agree that real recovery from infidelity takes two to five years, depending on factors like the duration of the affair, the level of truth-telling, and the couple’s willingness to seek help. The betrayed spouse often experiences symptoms similar to trauma. Hypervigilance, sleeplessness, and emotional flashbacks are common. For many, the first six to twelve months feel like survival; the following years become slow rebuilding.
So as a friend, remember: your job isn’t to hurry them; it’s to hold hope for them. Keep showing up in year two when others have moved on. Your steady presence may be one of the few reminders that grace endures as long as healing requires.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
1 Corinthians 13:4
6. Acknowledge Your Own Heartache
When infidelity touches someone close to you, it can stir unexpected emotions—sadness, anger, confusion, even disillusionment. You may grieve the picture you once had of your friends, or wrestle with how to relate to both spouses now. You might even feel betrayed.
That’s the ripple effect of infidelity; it rarely stays contained within the marriage. It touches everyone who loves them.
If that’s you, bring those feelings honestly to God. Lament the loss. Ask Him for perspective and for grace to see your friends through His eyes. Talk with a trusted mentor, counselor, or pastor if you need space to process.
You can even gently express your honesty with the couple if appropriate:
“This has been hard for me too, but I love you both and I’m praying for healing.”
Acknowledging your pain doesn’t make you self-focused—it makes you human. And caring for your heart helps you stay present for theirs without resentment, burnout, or quiet withdrawal.
Trust in him at all times, you people; pour out your hearts to him, for God is our refuge.
Psalm 62:8
God can handle your confusion and sadness too.
7. Keep Healthy Boundaries
Walking beside a couple in crisis can take an emotional toll. Infidelity doesn’t just wound the marriage—it ripples through friends and community. That’s why boundaries aren’t selfish; they’re necessary.
You can love your friends deeply without carrying the full weight of their story. Remember, you are called to walk with them, not heal them.
If you feel drained, confused, or emotionally caught in the middle, it’s okay to step back and encourage them to lean on pastoral or professional support. You can say:
“I care deeply, but I know I’m not the best person to guide you through all of this. Can I help you find someone who can?”
Healthy boundaries make long-term support sustainable. They give you space to breathe, pray, and listen to the Holy Spirit instead of reacting out of exhaustion or emotion.
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.
Galatians 6:9
Healing takes endurance for the couple and for those who love them. Boundaries help make that endurance possible.
8. Celebrate Small Glimpses of Redemption
In the midst of pain, it’s easy to overlook progress. Be the friend who notices.
Maybe they prayed together for the first time in weeks. Maybe one spouse wrote a note of apology. Maybe they simply showed up for counseling again. Say something like, “I see how hard you’re both fighting to heal. That’s beautiful.”
Spur one another on toward love and good deeds.
Hebrews 10:24
Any positive shift toward God and each other is worth celebrating. It may be difficult for the couple to see any progress after experiencing such a rupture in a marriage. One way you can hold hope for the couple is to gently point out the tangible evidence of God’s goodness and healing in their lives.
9. Let His Faithfulness Steady Yours
When you walk with a couple through infidelity, there will be moments you feel tired, helpless, or unsure of what to say. You’ll wonder if your presence is making any difference. But remember, your faithfulness as a friend is simply an echo of His faithfulness toward you.
God’s word reminds us that He loved us first. It’s because of His love we are even able to offer love to others.
We love because He first loved us.
1 John 4:19
Every act of patience, every prayer whispered on their behalf, every quiet visit or meal dropped off is rooted in the way God has already loved you in your own brokenness, with your own mess, through your own need.
As you offer steady love to your hurting friends, let it flow from God alone. You’re not the healer or the hero; you’re the reflection. God’s Spirit in you gives you compassion you wouldn’t otherwise have, endurance you didn’t think possible, and hope that’s not your own.
When you feel weary, return to this truth: God’s love for you never runs dry, and it’s His love you’re pouring out.
Let His love steady your steps as you help steady theirs. Because the truest hope you can offer your friends isn’t your words or wisdom—it’s the reminder, through your life, that God’s love has not left them.
A Closing Word
If you’re walking alongside a couple in crisis, know that your friendship matters more than you can imagine. Don’t underestimate how God can use your consistency, your gentleness, and your prayers to encourage them toward hope.
As you walk with them, remember—you have a sacred opportunity to quietly reveal the gospel of Jesus Christ. Your compassion can reflect His mercy. Your patience can mirror His faithfulness. And your willingness to stay, even when it’s uncomfortable, can point them to the steadfast love of a Savior who never leaves or forsakes His people.
At Side By Side, we’ve seen it again and again: when God’s people walk together in honesty, humility, and hope, healing begins. It may be slow. It may be messy. But it’s real.
Because God still writes redemption stories—and sometimes, He uses faithful friends to hold the pen and help others see His grace more clearly.
A great resource you can give to your friends is our book, The Journey to Stay: Our Story of Navigating the Aftermath of Infidelity and Finding God Along the Way.
