Comforting The One That Hurt You.
Even after several years, I still can’t believe I was the one most capable of comforting the very person who hurt me most. If I didn’t live it, I would have a hard time believing it.
However, I did live it. Very much so. As his wife, I was truly the best person to comfort my husband in his time of grief, withdrawal, and shame.
As his wife, I was truly the best person to comfort my husband in his time of grief, withdrawal, and shame.
I am well aware that this sounds absolutely crazy to you. You may think less of me after reading that. You may be disgusted by the whole concept. If you have been betrayed, you may be downright angry with me.
Would you consider holding your judgements until after you have fully read this article? I have no desire to convince you of anything, but I do have a deep desire to share my story in an effort to comfort others. The risk of you thinking less of me is worth even just one hurting spouse experiencing hope.
So, I can’t think of much worse than being tasked with helping your husband get over his girlfriend. Seriously. What a concept!
Once my husband’s affair was out in the open and we both desired to restore our marriage, we also quickly realized it was going to be a long, arduous road to healing.
For me, it was a really ugly time, sprinkled with glimmers of hope and God’s goodness. But, the bulk of those first several weeks and months were downright excruciating. My pain was emotional, mental, spiritual, and even physical. I truly had no idea this deception had been occurring and the reveal sent me into a tailspin.
When my husband started showing signs of his own personal pain, I had no idea how to handle it. “I mean, seriously, you are sad and depressed because you ended your affair?” I could have spit.
Then, the Holy Spirit started working on my heart. If I was to have a marriage built on God’s truths, then unconditional love needed to prevail. (note: I am assuming that your spouse is a good-willed person. Abuse is not to be accepted.) As his wife, I am his helper, his confidant, his best friend. If he can’t come to me with his deepest pain, who will he go to?
If he can’t come to me with his deepest pain, who will he go to?
Part of the reason my husband ended up in an affair was because his wife had not been a loving person with which to share. That’s the truth. I hadn’t been a safe place for him to seek refuge. That was a truth I needed to own. And then, a change had to be made.
Don’t get me wrong, I wish there was some other change I could have focused on first. Truly, comforting my husband as he grieved that relationship was one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. It was a selfless, sacrificial act of love. I didn’t believe I had anything to gain from it. That I was simply giving in a way I had never imagined having to give.
However, I did gain from it. Say what? Yes, my willingness to comfort Steve opened his eyes to what God was doing in my heart. He was able to see how deeply I loved him and how much I wanted our marriage to survive. I became a safe place for him.
This opened us up for a vulnerability and intimacy like we had never seen. We were in the trenches, deep in the mud, but we were TOGETHER. We were a united front fighting against an enemy.
It would be months-or even years- before we both would agree that there was complete trust in our marriage. Healing from infidelity is not a fast process, by any means. But I do believe that the act of comforting my husband in his grief opened us up to heal and trust in a faster, more intimate way.
I don’t wish that task on my worst enemy. It was painful, dark, and exhausting. But I do wish for everyone the healing and intimacy that came with it. God provides deep growth when we are willing to experience suffering in His name. I believe that is what I experienced in helping my husband get over his girlfriend. A deep growth, given by God, through suffering.
And I can say with confidence, I am a better person for it.
Photo by Nik Shuliahin on Unsplash
